5 Conversations That Will Help You Distinguish Between Love And Infatuation

falling-out-of-infatuation
The two of you are adorned in your finest. The gown is exquisite. The cake, fabulous. The arrangements, perfect. Your guests have assembled to witness the joyous event. Most of them are bearing gifts. Your ring will be the second best gift you receive on your wedding day. The best and most important gift will be a relationship that’s ready to stand the test of time.

Most people consider their wedding day one of the most important days of their lives. Despite this, more than half of marriages end up in divorce court. There are a number of reasons for this alarming trend: Changing views of traditional institutions like marriage, redefined gender roles, the list goes on, but we believe that the primary reason there are so many divorces is that people fail to realize or accept two basic realities about marriage:

Reality #1: Marriage is hard work.

This can be difficult to come to grips with when you’re in the euphoric throws of picking dresses and sampling wedding cake. While most of us accept that careers and education and even childrearing are work, many of us naively believe that our marriages will just work out, because after all, we’re ‘in love’. Which brings us to the second reality:

Reality #2: Love isn’t enough.

Too often we confuse love with infatuation. Your reasons for getting married have to be more than physical attraction or fleeting emotion if your marriage is going to thrive. While most people think they know this, distinguishing real love can be a challenge, because of the mixed messages about love we’re bombarded with by society from birth.

The hard work of Reality #1 starts before the blessed broom jump. Some couples look to counseling. Some may talk to older, more experienced couples. Others find books and other resources. But many just wing it. The traditional vows say, “Till death do us part.” Yet most couples spend more time and energy preparing for their wedding day than they do to prepare for a lifetime of marriage.

There are 5 Conversations you must have before you say ‘I Do.’ These conversations are built around the 5 areas of relationship that are the source of most marital failure.

Communication

The number one reason that people ultimately divorce is because they have lost the ability to communicate. They often say, we “grew” apart. It is boring and it is not sensational, but if you don’t discuss how you will communicate when your relationship hits a bump, (not if but when), you are at a major disadvantage. Will you agree up front to seek help or take a break or vacation and hash things out when you hit a wall? Will you have ground rules like “no launching of insults, or hitting?”

In my relationship we never curse at each other. It’s off limits. Never! It’s a ground rule. What are your ground rules? If you don’t set them, you won’t have them. And then when things get tough you may wind up saying things that you regret later. Remember, words are like bullets: once launched, they can’t be recalled. What is your spouse’s communication style?

What baggage are you bringing into the marriage that could be a barrier to effective communication? How will you handle disagreements? If you don’t have a clear answer for these questions before you get married, chances are you’ll be dealing with them as problems later.

Family

How many children do you want? How do you get along with his family? If you’re a blended family what role will the incoming parent play in the child(ren)’s life? Will there be issues with the other parents? Do you want (more) children? If so, how many? What style of discipline is acceptable and by whom?

Do not leave this to chance because you think it will all just work out. It won’t, unless you work it out, preferably in advance. Again, if you’re not clear on these and other family matters you run the very real risk of problems down the road.

Spirituality

What are your spiritual/religious beliefs? More and more couples are getting together without common spiritual backgrounds and practices. Don’t make any assumptions. Will you go to church, mosque, synagogue? Will you attend together, both, neither? Where and how will the kids worship?

Even if you met in church like we did, it’s important to discuss the role your beliefs will play and the power religion will have in defining the spirituality of your relationship. Are you more church focused but your partner more spiritual? It needs to be teased out beforehand. Forgo this valuable conversation and you could end up in a really tough spot, and put your marriage in crisis.

Money

Money issues are one of the top reasons couples divorce. Everyone has a relationship with money. It may be good, bad, or indifferent. Your money energy comes with you. You need to discuss credit, savings, retirement, spending habits, bank accounts, investing tolerance, travel, tuition, etc.

I cannot say enough about this topic. You will either get it right, or it’s going to be really tough trying to avoid the pitfalls that come with not understanding each other’s money habits. Do you know your spouse’s FICO score? Are they a money spender or saver? Do they avoid talk of money altogether?

We’re not just talking about whether or not you have money, because the presence of money doesn’t mean the absence of problems. We’re talking about developing a healthy relationship with the money you have.

s*x

You may be having it or you may have chosen to wait. Either way, talk about s*x. And don’t be afraid to go and get tested for STDs and HIV together. That should be a no brainer. No questions are off limits as long as you are comfortable and mature enough to handle the discussion.

If you are not, it’s just going to be fodder for an argument or potential break. Remember not to judge based on a persons’ past. People can change. Having intimate and really honest conversations about s*x can be really liberating for your relationship. It’s important to have them before marriage, and pretty pointless to wait till after you say “I do.”

Marriage is like any other thing in life worth having: You will get out of it what you put into it. Do the work in advance of your wedding to insure that your marriage will buck the trend, and last a lifetime.