Housework: What couple doesn’t fight about chores, especially when they’re married or living together? The key is that you have to compromise without expecting your partner to change completely. “Housework needs to get done,” says Tessina. “It’s how it gets done that creates the problems. You might negotiate about some things, but you won’t be able to change your partner’s basic habits.” Different approaches to neatness, organization and dividing up the housework are a common source of arguments, so you’ll have to get creative about how to meet in the middle so that both of you feel comfortable and neither of you feels like you’re doing most of the work.
Kids: It’s extremely common to argue about children, whether it’s how to raise them, how to split up the work involved in caring for them or how much time they’re taking away from you as a couple. The sleep deprivation that comes with parenting a newborn puts both of you even more on edge. Expect that having a baby will rock the boat so that you’re not blindsided when it happens. “A baby changes everything about your life — sleep schedules, priorities, your social life, your financial status and the primary couple relationship,” Tessina says. “These changes happen overnight, because the day a baby is born, everything is different from the day before. There is no way to accurately predict how these changes will feel, and the learning curve for new parents is very steep.” A good way to cope is to talk to and get help from other parents, both new and experienced, and know what’s in store going in. “Understand that your couple relationship will be put on hold for the first few months,” says Tessina. “Your relationship will not be a priority during this time, so the more realistic you are about this beforehand, the less resentful you’ll be when it happens.” Once the baby is sleeping for longer stretches and you’re in a routine, you can start to carve out time for just the two of you again. “Try to organize your schedule so that you have some time together, without having to do chores or work, after the baby is asleep,” she suggests. “Talk frequently about how you’re both doing … and encourage your partner to talk about what’s bothering him or her. Once you know how to express problems to each other, you have an opportunity to fix them before they become worse.”
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